From Sharks to Dolphins

*Dream*

We were walking on a beaten path alongside a body of water. There were trees all around us, tall trees. The water was to my left and there were very tall, slim trees to my right with tiny busy tops. Our guide was an African man, he was bald and confident. Weston was behind me. Our guide motioned to the top of the trees to the right, and in the top of the tree was a nest and all I could see was a large beak peeking through a mass of feathers ruffling everywhere; he then said, “Watch this,” and motioned to the bird in its nest while making an odd, loud, screeching noise, the bird followed with an even louder squeal. Our guide then motioned towards the water, and I spun around quickly to find two fins simultaneously reach the surface of the water, parallel to one another, swimming towards the shore. SHARKS-My first thought.

Startled, confused and shocked, I turned smiling to Weston and the guide and said, “If you push me in I will kick your ass.” Before I knew it, Weston had hurled me in the water. Upon impact, the fish had turned to dolphins and the dark, murky water became a safe, contained aquarium. As soon as my head reached the surface, I awoke. 

Still confused. 

The Ramblings of a Self Critic

I’ve always thought that I wanted to die first, before I had to endure the pain of losing my loved ones, one by one; though now that I’ve had a bit of a “cancer scare” it has just hit me, if I go first then I have to let all my loved ones go at once and that now seems far more tragic than my previous concerns. This insight makes me even sadder for those who are sick and dying…as if that was possible.

Luckily, I am perfectly fine, according to the specialist. They will keep monitoring me every year and see if my CA-125 test results continue to increase or not. I felt so relieved, though that is an understatement. It’s strange that the thought of my loved ones being sad is more sad to me than my own struggle could have been. That gives me faith in myself at least, faith that I care more for others than I care for myself; some would say that’s not the way to be, but I disagree, a world where everyone cared for others more than themselves seems like a lovely place to me. That’s the biggest reason I struggle so hard with my friends and family members who are die-hard republicans, the Romney fans. It sickens me to think that they believe that’s the “Christian vote” and that Obama is a demon.

Politicians are politicians, if you don’t understand their games then you don’t get it at all. They lie, they trick, they deceive, and yet, no one seems to notice. It’s as if folks treat political parties as sports teams, they pick a side and stick with it no matter what all the way to the end. Their team could be having a horrible season but yet they’ll still pull for that team. It doesn’t make sense to me. Electing the “leader of the free world” is not the super-bowl.

People are driven by different things, mainly their passions and at the root of passion lies religious beliefs. A pretty brilliant, evil trickery of politics is to feed off of people’s religion because it drives them and they know that. That’s why ABORTION and GAY MARRIAGE and LEGAL DRUGS come into play with politics. When a Christian sees or hears these words it triggers something in the depth of their beliefs and they need not hear or see another word, they’ve made their choice. They don’t consider the fact that people in their own country are starving, homeless and dying and they truly need help. Nope, those folks just have tough luck and I’ll just ignore that…I’m more concerned with gay people wanting to get married. REALLY?!?!?! I seriously don’t know how everyone doesn’t see things this way.

Okay, I could go on for DAYS and DAYS about politics, the system is completely broken and the two party system is just plain stupid. I’ll move along to other thoughts in my mind. Let’s see where this “ADHD” of mine will take me.

So, how was our wedding? I can’t describe it. A day full of overflowing love from my family and friends…it was just so much to take in and I took it like it was my first shot on my 21^st birthday. Love consumed me that day and on my way home I cried like I’ve never cried before. I have never before balled my eyes out due to a happy feeling and I couldn’t stop. All my insecurities of how I feel as if no one cares about me were round-house-kicked in the face; I’ve never felt so happy, so loved, and so full of worth. It was indeed magic. Magic at its finest, love at its highest, it was perfect.

Despite this, I still haven’t written my thank you cards. I’m such a procrastinator. It’s bad. I’m so incredibly thankful for everything that I know I’ll write the cards, just not today. I’m busy today. I’m honestly busy this weekend. I’ll do it over the holidays. I have a year to send them out, it’ll be okay. I’m good at convincing myself of things, if only I were as good at convincing others. Maybe I could be, but I just don’t exude the confidence I should or try as hard as I can.

I haven’t written a song in I don’t know how long. I’m so behind and when folks ask me about it, the anxiety takes control and the self loathing begins. I’m still there currently but I’m getting better, or I’ll keep telling myself that until I am. Truth is I don’t think I’m good enough. Everyone offers me their advice on how I should sound or what genre I should focus on, it’s nice that they are acting like they care but it’s honestly a bit insulting. I mean, I didn’t ask them for their opinion and it’s clear that they think I’m doing it all wrong, but I guess they’re right, I don’t know what I’m doing so I’ll just hang it up. But I’m not a quitter. At least I don’t think that I’m a quitter. I will write again when the mood strikes me.

Working on my Halloween costume, it’s pretty lame this year. Again, I’m a disappointment. I’m attempting to make a statement and I’m going as a marionette doll in patriotic garb, thus I’m going as a politician. Everyone I’ve told reacts as if they’re confused, why am I not used to that? It’s yet another case of Mia being misunderstood, story of my life. Wow, I’m a pity partier on this blog, well, it’s more of a diary than a blog. No one knows about it, no one reads it, doesn’t matter.

I’m not a great friend, I’m not a great wife, I’m not a great daughter, I’m not a great dog-mom, I’m not a great employee, I’m not a great person. I get very little accomplished from day to day and that depresses me. I get myself down. I’m my own worst enemy and I’m tired of it.

I’m very insecure, lazy and apologetic. Saying, “I’m sorry,” has always been a problem of mine. Yes, that sounds silly but apparently I say it so much that it’s lost its meaning and it has begun to annoy people. I guess I feel that it erases my sense of insecurity and it makes it so that no one can be mad at me; two of my weaknesses. I’m lazy because I guess I’m young and I think I’ll always have tomorrow to do it. These are things I REALLY need to work on. Perhaps I’ll make a list.

It’s almost been a year since I quit smoking cigarettes. I’m proud of that, but still embarrassed that I ever smoked them at all. I’ve been cutting back on drinking as well, though I’m a miserable DD. Literally, I’m miserable when at a party sober. I’m so awkward and silent. My insecurities are highlighted when at a party sober. I definitely don’t fit in.

I miss my grandmother. I miss Daniel. Recently a girl I went to high school with overdosed on pills. It is sticking with me for some reason. I think about it often and I don’t know why. I feel as if it’s such a tragedy but a part of me doesn’t care, it is simply angry. She died doing something she knew could kill her when Daniel and Grandmother fought for their lives as hard as they could. It just doesn’t seem fair, I just can’t feel sorry for her. I mean, you can go to the doctor and claim you have chronic pain and they’ll give you pills that are not only addictive but they can easily kill you, but God forbid that a marijuana plant grow anywhere on this earth! It’s all so stupid and people don’t see it, they don’t get it. It’s like everyone has blinders on by choice. What do my blinders look like?

That last sentence left me with some poetry to write; hopefully I’ll turn it into a song at some point. So, self improvement, this is necessary. Going forward I will work on the following:

Be more productive

Be more confident

Be more accepting of others (especially other women)

Be less apologetic

Be a harder worker

Be faithful to my God

Gossip less

Judge less

Be kind to everyone

Accept everything for what it is and do with it what you can

Accept love

Love harder

Live better.See the happiness and love that's in front of my face. 

Dream Catch-up

So I am WAY behind on these dreams of mine so I'll just give you a glimpse of a few that still stick with me:

I had a horrible nightmare about the wedding. I was dressed like a bum, the guests were not folks I invited and the venue was all sorts of crazy. The weird thing was that before Dad and I got to walk down the isle, Grandmother ran past me, grabbed my hand and pulled me to the altar. The altar was where Daniel's funeral was...so it felt bad. My Dad looked sad because he didn't get to walk me down the isle, we didn't have that moment, and then as I was gazing into Grandmother's eyes (past Weston's) she disappeared and I could tell this in her eyes...it was like when she was at Hospice...it was terrible. She had a stroke right in front of us at the altar...it was the saddest dream I've had in a while...I threw a fit and fell to my knees with tears flowing like a stream...it was terrible. The reception that followed was just me wandering around, not wanting to talk to any of my guests, and my MOH telling me how I was never doing the right thing...it was awful. I won't go into more detail.

On a separate night I had one of the best wedding dreams I could have...Daniel was there. We were in the woods and the stream was the altar but there were snakes all around. I was used to the snakes because they're in alot of my dreams, though everyone else was bothered by it so Daniel appeared, he lifted the large snake very gracefully and carefully...then he set it aside to crawl away. Then he smiled at me, and I hugged him so hard...it was so real, I felt his real body...his square, broad shoulders and his height and size were all just right, so exact...then he said, "I told you I'd be at your wedding..." I am crying right now just thinking of this dream...it meant (and still means) so much to me. I know it was the real Daniel telling me not to worry and that it will all be okay...and that he'll be there...I just know it. I'm so glad this dream happened...it's the best one I've had...ever. Now I know he'll be there.

self pity at its finest

Some days I am simply sad…I cannot quite put my finger on why and I don’t necessarily feel the need to try and be happy. Feeling sad is necessary, right? So should I let it take me over some days or should I fight? I’m too tired to fight tonight.

I think it hits me that he’s gone, one of my dearest friends…he’s gone. Not here anymore, I can’t tell him how great the Feist show was last night, I can’t ask him what I should get my groom for our wedding day…he’s not here. I thought it would help seeing his other best friends, so I got to see Smitty and his wife Becky over the weekend. It was so nice to see them; it was nice to see my old familiar friend Smitty. But it wasn’t the same and when I realized today that it was because I could sense a part of Smitty has gone…the overflowing happiness for this world has left him as it has left me…and they both left with Daniel.

I’m sure that Smitty felt the same way but when I see him I think of Daniel, so perhaps seeing me reminded him of Daniel as well…as we were all three a part of “the group,” the group that Daniel built. I guess I thought seeing him would bring me comfort but seeing how his smile had shrunk a bit made me realize how mine had done the same. I miss Daniel still and I think I always will.

In an attempt to try and cheer myself up I thought of all the support that I have still here…but that made me a bit sadder because I couldn’t help to think of the lack of support I received through this horrible time for me. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself but I guess I expect too much from some folks…especially my brother. I love my brother so much and feel that we are more similar than anyone else and I feel that he really gets me but he doesn’t and that hurts too, but it’s okay. I guess I just wish he would care more, or show that he cares more. During this time I was seriously depressed…still am…and he didn’t visit me, call me, even text me…I’m lucky if he ever texts back. If I don’t see him for weeks, I know that it’s only because I haven’t been to his house or his side of town…which makes me sad.

I’m aware that my sadness is not my brother’s fault at all but I do crave his comfort, always have, but he’s just not the type to comfort. I should accept it and move on.

My fiancé is wonderful but I believe he has a hard time dealing with me when I’m sad…that’s understandable. I feel that when I’m depressed or sad, I am avoided. I’m not sure why, perhaps there’s nothing to say to me during my sad moments but a little attention would help. Weston helps, he holds me when I cry, and that’s comforting.

I believe I should shift my focus on comfort back to God…but it’s hard because I feel like that scares my friends away even more when I become even more spiritual…then I feel lonely.

I also feel that my argumentative ways have rubbed off on my sweet fiancé because now he is the one who craves the fight and I hate that…what have I done? I’m trying so hard to be better, trying to truly “cherish” what we have together but I don’t feel like he is trying…I don’t know.

My music isn’t any good. Granted, I haven’t tried hard enough and I know that…but I hate setting myself up for failure…I know that’s so weak but I let my fears control me too much…I should try harder so then I don’t let myself down. We tried really hard to win this year in the Corporate Band Finals and I felt we did a great job but we lost…again…third time is the charm I guess because I burst into tears as soon as my car door shut behind me. Yes, I felt like such a sissy but I couldn’t help it, disappointment has been following me like a loyal pet and I need to desperately put it down.

Work, oh man...I, like everyone else in the world, feel as if I do more than everyone in the office and they’re constantly giving me new tasks every day. I don’t get it. They’re all sweet to me one moment, and then the next moment it’s like they’re accusing me of not doing anything…it takes so much for me to not explode. I fear that I’ll be fired one of these days for just that. I’ll just keep working, keep my mouth shut and do my manager’s work while she’s off shopping for hours at a time…whatever. I need to not get so angry about things I cannot control; I just find it hard to believe that I cannot control these things.

Wedding planning is finally dwindling down…thank God. Everything is on me, everyone is asking me about stuff I don’t know the answers to, yet I feel as if no one is actually helping me. All Mom has been focusing on for the last 5 months is one chandelier and three panels of curtains…since that’s the most important and only thing going on right now…so I know it’s really all on me because she cannot seem to think of all the other things to think about. My lovely MOH has been MIA and my Man of Honor is my brother, and if my fiancé does anything at all, even the slightest thing, he thinks that he’s done it all and he turns into more of a groomzilla than I do. So I’ll be glad when it’s all over to say the very least...again, I know I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

I got to see Feist last night. That was amazing. Weston got me tickets for the show for Valentine’s Day, so we called it “Valentine’s May” last night…though it did not feel like that really. Weston had a long day at work and paid no attention to me at all, when I tried to smile at him, kiss him, take photos of us, he acted as if I was just pissing him off. Have I turned him into an ass hole? Have I taken a sweet man who I usually wouldn’t go for, and turned him into the ass holes that I always date, or am I boring, unattractive, no fun to be with, not special? I didn’t feel very special at all. I guess his mom buying us some tickets to see one of my favorite artists at my favorite venue should have been enough…his effort was no longer needed. The show made me think of Daniel. How he would have SO wanted to be there…he may have even been there…and how I miss him. Daniel and I listened to Feist together, played her songs, etc…we went to shows together (never a Feist show) but I couldn’t help thinking of him. I even cried during a couple songs, especially “Graveyard,” but no one noticed.

I feel like I get on everyone’s nerves, I piss everyone off all the time and I truly don’t know why. Is it the bride thing? Is it just me? Am I not fun anymore? Do I matter to anyone in this town still? Sure, I’m probably being dramatic, but I feel like no one cares anymore…friends don’t really call me or text me anymore, Weston seems sick of me and my brother hardly replies to my texts, messages, wall posts, etc…he even felt it necessary to make fun of my facebook usage…thanks, I needed that…if they only knew all that I held back, how I REALLY felt about things.

I just want to get my recording gear set up so I can start playing around on that, I feel like that will bring me comfort, or perhaps it will just bring me more things to remind me of how special I’m not. I know that no one will read this, that’s why I can pour my heart out on here…but that’s pretty depressing and pathetic too, but today that’s me…depressing and pathetic…no wonder no one wants to hang out with me anymore, I’m just too damn fun. Ha!

The sun is shining, my dog is wonderful, both my parents are alive and well…I miss them. Maybe they just love me too much and I’m never going to get that again from anyone else so I should just accept the lukewarm love I feel from others and try and be content with my blessed life that I’m so ungrateful for…

Today I am not happy with the me that I am and I will continue to work to become less argumentative, more forgiving, more understanding, less self absorbed and more productive. I would rather be closer to the God that loves me, created me and carries me through this life than the friends who are freaked out my appreciation for my creator. That’s always the solution but it takes me awhile to come around, because I’m so very flawed.

If you did happen to read this for some reason, I’m sorry I’m such a downer, I’m okay, I’m just very sad today. I hope you are having a happy day and that you do not feel sorry for me…I’m very blessed and I know that, but sometimes I am just really sad and today is one of those days. I hope you understand. 

Religious Terrorism

Dear Politicians – Please stop hijacking religion. It is pathetic and you know who it targets and you know that it works, and for that, you are evil. Spread love and God’s word for the right reasons…not just to get a vote, you vile creatures!!!!!

I feel that I am strong in my religion, in my beliefs and in saying this I can also say that this country does not need to focus on social issues right now that concern religious beliefs, I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. EVERYONE should know that abortion, birth control, legalization of marijuana, etc. are not the most important issues at the moment when it comes to your vote for the US President…turn off Fox News, turn off CNN, and READ something!!!

 This hurts my heart for so many reasons.

Aging

Some say that aging is a privilege. I am going to try and watch this privilege as long as I can. So, here is a photo of me, my fiance Weston and my brother Cayce in 2011...no smiles, just faces...not very flattering...but I like the idea of seeing us year after year...

Being Cool < Being Sincere

I don’t understand why people get so embarrassed by their sincere emotions; I’m talking about the good emotions that cannot harm another person but might just warm their heart and make their day. Why is it that some folks hold back how they really feel about someone when it is a positive feeling? Why is it easier for most people to tell someone that they do not like them than it is to tell someone they love them? If I held back these emotions I think I might burst and I would have never had the chance to tell my friend Daniel how much I loved him, over and over we told each other that we love one another and I’m so happy for that.  

Call it what you will, “being a dork,” “being a sappy sissy”, whatever, I don’t care because I would rather live as a sappy, dorky, sissy who was able to tell one of their favorite friends, “ I love you so much, thank you for honestly being the best friend I’ve ever had!” Now that friend of mine is gone to a better place and I’m left here…sad…really sad…missing him…but at least I know that he knew I loved him and I thought the world of him. Luckily, Daniel wasn’t ashamed to tell me he loved me too and I can smile and be proud knowing that he loved me too.  

So the next time you think you’re “too cool” to “like” someone’s facebook status…that it might “weird them out” because you haven’t talked to them in years or that if you comment on their photo you might “not look cool” because you care about someone else…get over yourself. You’re never too cool for love. You’re going to die one day, that’s a definite fact, do you want to be known as that “really cool person” or do you want to be known as “the one who showed love to everyone and who truly lived as they wanted to and never worried about being cool?” The older I get, the more I don’t understand “cool.” Who defines that anyway?  

“Cool” is such a vague term and it means something different to everyone. “Love” is not so vague and is something easy to define and to feel and to be. So wouldn’t you rather be loving than be cool? If you’d rather be cool, then I’m sorry.  

If I’m not being clear enough, try this logic on for size: 

Smile > Frown

Being Cool < Being Sincere

Love > Everything

God = Love 

Show love because it’s way more important than cool. Cool dies with your body on this earth but love lives forever. It’s like a seed you plant inside people, and it never dies, it just keeps growing even after you're gone. Cool is often pretentious and not loving at all, it is selfish and that is the absolute opposite of love. So again, show love, as that’s God’s greatest gift to us. If you’re just too wrapped up in being cool, then think about this, I bet God thinks that love is cool…so be cool and love those around you…plant a cool love seed for God inside those around you.  

Hazy Remembrance of a James Taylor Tune

I cannot remember everything that I dreamed, I just know that we were all singing in a circle, Daniel was there and he said, “Hey, let’s sing this song that I wrote!” I remember being the only one really singing it, though I only knew the harmony part and I remember laughing and saying, “That’s a James Taylor song, Daniel, you silly thing you didn’t write that!?”

God IS Everywhere!

Today I am thankful for my health. This is something that we usually overlook when we are healthy, but those who are sick or battling a serious illness think of their health constantly, so today I am SO thankful for my health and my family’s health. Thank you, God.

As you may or may not know, I am currently planning a wedding. I must admit that when I heard of my dear friend Daniel’s passing, I immediately thought of the void in my wedding party…and I thought, “No Daniel, no wedding!” Though that is not at all what he would have wanted. At the funeral we found out that our PERFECT reception venue was going to be torn down…though the timing was quite horrible, it seemed fitting that the good thing was going to be demolished, similarly to how my heart was demolished from the loss of my wonderful, great friend, Daniel; though Daniel would be telling me, “The show must go on, Mia!” So I will continue to set up the stage for my nuptials. This has not been an easy task because sadness will not leave me alone! It’s looming over me and I continue to pray for God to blow it away.

As we were driving home last night I secretly asked God for a sign to let me know what to do, how to act…and two songs in a row played on the iTunes Genius mix that were about death, and all I could think about was death so I immediately knew that God was listening and he was reaching me through song, as I often feel he does…these were some of the lyrics that I heard:

“When I go away, no more crying, no more trials, home to leave my worries in the graveyard…and I’ll be bound for glory.” – Levon Helm’s song “When I Go Away”

This settled my sadness. I thank God for reaching me through song; it’s my favorite language anyway. But then yet another song, a third sign, came on the mix and freaked me out a bit, it was Tom Petty’s song “Time to Move On” and the lyrics are as follows:

“It's time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
It's time to move on, it's time to get going”

A smile instantly grew upon my face and I thank God again for reaching me so clearly through song. I looked to my left to see my fiancé’s young, handsome face smiling at me with an orange and blue background of what was another beautiful sunset behind his beaming smile. If I didn’t know at this moment that God was in charge, that He was giving me gift after gift after gift and loving me more than I can imagine, then I know it now.

My Aunt Kathy sent me an email this weekend which included a blog that her friend had written. Her friend is dying of breast cancer and has outlived several friends with the same illness and I was incredibly touched by what all she had to say. One of the things she said that stuck with me most was this, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” This, I can do. I will use my gift of music to glorify Him and I will have the easiest time enjoying Him forever!

There were several other things that happened over the weekend where I witnessed God’s work first hand, in the smiles of the two poor guys at the thrift store who were sharing their love for the lord with everyone, conversations with my mother, my dad’s beaming love for me and my sweet dog, the email from my aunt, my precious snugly doggie, etc. The list is endless, really. God is everywhere, he truly is.

So despite my “horrible” weekend with wedding plans crashing around me, it is so clear to me of what I do have and what I should be focusing on, the love around me that I’m blessed with, blessed with God’s greatest gift. Love.

Slightly Stabbed

My Unconscious Mind:

Present:  Me, Ashton, Daniel, other friends that I cannot remember

We were somewhere…there were picnic tables outside and a staircase inside with a hallway which included doors of various sizes. While we were sitting at the picnic table outside in front of a large tree that had some sort of bus station next to it. Ashton was beside me and she said, “I just HATE the doctors, they KNEW they could have fixed it…” Then I turned around and saw Daniel sitting at the picnic table behind us to the left, the one in front of the bus stop place, and he grinned at me but he looked sad…disappointed almost…so I immediately turned around and suggested that we all go back inside although there was a negativity looming over the house as there is in most dreams as though there is a spirit that is unwelcome in the house.

We walked down the stairs and into the hallway full of doors when I noticed that there were several opened doors that were closed previously, so I freaked out. I said, “We have to leave!” and as we were running out of the room I noticed a tall man hiding beside a doorway against the wall.  I said, “There he is!!!” and we all ran, they were all behind me, I spread my arms in a way to protect them and squinted my eyes, then the man lunged toward me, stabbing me in the chest…but not stabbing me all the way for some reason, just a little bit, almost like it were a game. I toppled over the couch that was beside me, grasping my chest, and then I woke up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What does this mean? I feel like Daniel was disappointed that we were all sad, looking to blame someone, but then again I felt sorry for him because he wasn’t  at our table, he was alone, behind us…he was missing out…was this my unconscious mind working out the grief that I’m feeling about how much Daniel is missing out on? Or is it a sign that I know Daniel wouldn’t have wanted us to all be so sad and angry because he is gone?

Was the bus-stop-like area, that Daniel was closest to, a symbol that he had to leave us? Is that why he was sad, because we had to stay in the house with the evil spirit and he got to leave?

What was the stabbing all about? Was it a symbol for my heart being broken, crushed, ever so slightly because I have more to lose than one of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life???? I don’t know what it means and I don’t know if I even believe that dreams have meaning…I just miss my friend and had a really bad dream.

I’m just glad I got to see him grin again, and I hope he continues to visit me in my dreams, even the bad ones.

Singing is like crying, it’s just prettier for others to watch and listen to...

So, we played downtown last night and it went great, all our friends said it was the best show yet. We have wonderful friends, their support is like Daniel said it was…God is working through them whether they know it or not. It’s funny how nervous I get before a gig, but then when I step on stage and the first chord is hit, I’m home.

Why is this? I know I can sing, it’s about the only thing that I know that I do well, but I get so insanely nervous before the gig…I mean, really nervous. I think that it may just be part of the excitement, the nerves; if there was no rush at all, no sweat beading down from my brow, then that feeling wouldn’t be the same.  I get to stand on stage in front of everyone and just deflate my lungs and scream a melody that I wrote, there’s something so relaxing about being heard, actually being heard. It feels so natural to sing, more natural than speaking and I’m so blessed that people enjoy hearing me sing. I thank God for my gift and I pray that I can use my gift the way He intended.

I wrote D.H. on my left hand last night before the show and I noticed it throughout. It was a reminder to me that Daniel was there and it also reminded me that this was my only chance to sing on stage at that very moment and I should enjoy every minute of it and give it my all because I wouldn’t have that hour again in my life…and I did.

So I encourage you to live today because tomorrow isn’t a promise, it’s a blessing and another beautiful gift from God and you only get one “today” so live today! Like Daniel said, “The present is a gift!” I also encourage you to sing, even if you “can’t sing,” sing alone, sing your heart out and I promise you’ll feel better. Singing is like crying, it’s just prettier for others to watch and listen to, so keep singing! Daniel said to keep smiling because he thinks God likes it when we smile, I think He also likes it when we sing, so make a joyful noise today!

#1 Fan = #1 Friend

We have our first show on Broadway tonight…downtown Nashville here we come! I have always wanted to sing downtown Nashville, though now I understand it isn’t as big of a deal as it sounds…not nearly, but all I can think about is Daniel. How he would have already sent me texts today letting me know he’s going to try and make it, and he would have if he could. The last time I was blessed with his presence (truly) was a show I played in Auburn, Daniel drove 3 hours to see me play a 30 minute set and then he tried to make it to our Nashville gig the next week! What an angel on earth, a true inspiration, a real friend. I’m really missing you today, Earlton Redbeard, but I KNOW you won’t miss another show now that you’ve got the best seat in the house, just know I’m singing for you, brother. He is truly “rocking in the free world,” now and I am trying to remind myself today to live in the present, as my dear Daniel would have wanted.

One Sorry Thorn

Do you say “I’m sorry” for you or for someone else…I would say both and I feel that it is obvious. You want to say it for your own sake so that you can let go of some regret within yourself and you also say it for the one you have hurt so that they will know that you care enough about their feelings that you feel bad about what you’ve done. When someone sincerely apologizes to you, the correct response would be to accept the apology and look within yourself to see if you have anything to be sorry for to this person…most likely you should probably apologize too.

It amazes me how some folks find saying, “I’m sorry” or even, “I’m sorry too” just absolutely impossible. It’s sad for so many reasons. First, it shows the other person that you sincerely do not care about them because your worries and cares are shoved inward so far you can’t see anything around you clearly. Secondly, it means that you’re missing a valid piece of human characteristics…a conscience. How can one live without a conscience? What does that mean about someone?

Well, for starters I think it’s helpful to the opposite party in this situation, the person who has a conscience and who apologized. I say this because I feel this earth can be like a big garden and people are like plants, there are good plants, bad plants, fruitful plants, pretty flowers, thorns, weeds, etc. and you can decide what kind of plant or flower you are; there are tons of plants but as plants we can’t see the other ones clearly, we can only sense them around us…so when one flower senses that another has no conscience, no caring feelings for the flower it’s like we then detect their thorns quickly and can then easily decide to grow towards different plants because there are so many beautiful plants on this earth, why waste our time with the thorns? So, in saying this, I am glad that I no longer have to bother with some thorns I have recently discovered…though I had sensed them for quite a while.

You get one life, you get one legacy, you have one test...try not to fail…at least try because you only get to do it once. I'm sorry if this post seems sad because it's really not, I am surrounded by TONS of beautiful flowers and fruit trees so one thorn isn't going to bring me down or throw off my senses :)

I love you, all my pretty flowers.

"Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done."

It's been 6 days now without Daniel on the earth. I don't know how to stop being sad so I'm going to do as Daniel would do when sad and anxious and I'm going to look at God for direction.

Lord, I pray for you to comfort us and heal our hearts. Thank you for giving us such an amazing man to influence our lives in a way like no other. Please tell Daniel I said hello and I love him and I'm sorry I wasn't there for him at the end. Thank you for your love, Lord. Forgive me for not being as you wish and be with me to direct me down the path you wish for me to take. I love you. Amen.

Grief is strange. I was in denial for so long, then anger, then guilt, then sadness, complete sadness, longing for him to be back, longing for just one more moment together...just one more facebook message, one more text...and there are thoughts of "why, why am I here, why have friends, what does it all matter if you're heart is just gonna break and you're gonna die in the end"...then I think that I realized the meaning to life...it's love you find in another and with another person, it's the connections we make, my relationships are my reason for life.

I've had SO many wonderful waves of friends in my life, I've had my childhood friends, my high school friends, my basketball friends, my music friends, my college friends, my party friends, my Godly friends, my study buddies, and my friends now, my band now, and always, my family. So far, like Daniel, I've lived a full life, it has been so complete because of the ones that I've been around, the ones I've known and Daniel did too. I find comfort in knowing that I have something to live for and always will, and I also find comfort in knowing that Daniel felt like I do right now about the people in his life...he felt fullfilled, complete because of the love and the relationships he had to leave behind.

Daniel said in his blog that "The present is a gift," and it is, though his passing has made my present a nightmare, just one sad day after another. I don't know how to deal with it and I it makes me even more sad to know that I'm making my current friends and those closest to me in the present very sad because I'm not "the real Mia" right now. It's never fun to see your loved ones so sad and I know that so I need to try and figure out how I'm supposed to act around my loved ones and to do as Daniel and live in the present, make "Today the best day of my life," as my dear buddy did.

My sweet sweet Weston, he cannot bear to see me so sad...he really can't. I know he's exhausted. I want to be happy for him. He's worth me being happy. We're getting married in 4 months and all I can focus on about the wedding is what's missing and all the stress and the bad news about the venue canceling on us; I get to marry Weston Hill. Daniel loved Weston, they had alot in common, it's too bad they didn't know one another better. Weston is the perfect man for me. He is a combination of Me, Dad, Cayce (brother), and Daniel (a standard that I also hold); he has faith in the Lord, he plays the guitar like a pro, he's absolutely hilarious, and he loves me...he loves me so much. It doesn't hurt that he's a tall, blonde haired, blue eyed beautiful beautiful man. Oh, AND he cooks for me all the time and it is absolutely delicious. I find Weston more and more precious each day, he is so positive and such a bright light, as Daniel. Weston will pray with me, he prays for me and for Valentine’s Day I got us a devotional book for couples so that he and I can grow in Christ together, and I am SO thankful for that. I never thought I’d be lucky enough for a Godly man, but I guess He had another plan for me. I have so much to be happy about in my present life. I have so many best friends, so many people to love, so many people to love me. Thank you for that, God.

My mother is incredible, she's such a strong Christian, she's an amazing mother, a loyal wife, a hard worker and extremely clean and beautiful. I couldn't ask for a better momma. She's always there for me, she prays for me, she loves me, she's my biggest fan. Mom's sense of humor is absolutely perfect, she get's it; if I find something that I think is slightly funny I will share it with her and she'll laugh until she is crying, literally. I absolutely LOVE that about her. Her laugh is so wonderful and so deeply implanted in my heart. We stay in touch so well, I'm so lucky to have a mom so close to me. Mom's got style, class, poise, though she is SO SO humble that it can be annoying :) How blessed am I for her...I can't even begin to say what all she's done for me. There's nothing like Mom's touch when I'm sick or sad, she'll pet me and hold me like I'm a tiny baby again...it's so sweet, I love her so much. She's planning the entire wedding, pretty much, and I couldn't trust anyone more. I'm so blessed with this mother of mine, what a beautiful person to be my best friend, to be the woman I strive to be...I love her so much.

I'm alot like my mom. People say that I look just like her (though I don't really) and this makes me very happy because Momma is absolutely beautiful, I mean, REALLY REALLY pretty, like really. We are both control freaks who have some sort of strange esp-type gift, we can read people really well and we almost know when something bad is going to happen. We both want to be pretty and thin and super clean, neat and organized, we strive for perfection too much at times but it's okay to try hard to be good. She is SUPER artistic and intelligent, though again, she's WAY too humble to even realize how great she is. Her heart is true, honest, and she keeps it open, she tries to understand people that aren't like her, other religions, other races, etc, and I look up to her for that. We both LOVE rock and roll, men with long hair and anything 60's and 70's - we like fashion and shopping and SHOES :) I might not say this all the time but, my mom is really, really cool. I’m so proud of her, so proud she is my mom.

I'm so blessed to have a mom that can be my best friend, someone who I look up to more than she even knows. I'm also blessed to be able to share our feelings with one another, we tell each other we love each other, I know how much she loves me, and THAT is a love like no other, my mother's love for me...what a comfort, what a blessing. Thank you for Annette Keller, God, for she is the best mother I could ever ask for in this world.

My father is amazing. Though he doesn't attend church every Sunday as Mom does, I know he has faith, I know he has God in his heart, he just doesn't show it like Mom does, he witnesses in different ways, but he touches you all the same. I don’t think that there’s a right or wrong relationship you can have with God, as long as it’s a positive, loving, gracious, thankful one; I think it’s a personal thing and everyone is different…I mean, it’s someone’s relationship with God, who am I to say they’re doing it wrong? I know Dad has God in his heart, I mean, I’ve got Mom’s weird esp-type thing… I can see it every time I look at him. Daniel said that God is in everything, and he is, he is definitely in Mom and Dad, I know this and I’m lucky for knowing this. They are pure good, and though they’re not perfect, they are to me because God gave them to me.

Dad is a wonderful father, he loves us more than anything and again, I'm blessed that he and I can share these loving feelings with him too. Dad is hilarious, if anyone can make me smile, it's Dad. He's a musician and was also an athlete; I look up to him alot because, like Mom, Dad and I have alot in common. I've been called "little Ralphie" and I've also been told that I've been "picked out of [Dad's] butt" many times...although I am still skeptical if that last one is true or not. Did I mention that Dad is a complete goof ball? Not the kind that you laugh at, the kind that is actually extremely intelligent, witty and cool...the kind that you laugh WITH. I've been told that I'm like Dad in this way. I guess I am athletic, musically gifted, and funny like Dad...what wonderful, lucky traits to inherit. I'm so blessed. Dad and I like to sing, we like harmonies...we LOVE harmonies and melodies. He has a beautiful singing voice, though he's too humble to sing much anymore...I think he's just such a big fan of me and my brother Cayce that he'd rather hear us sing, but we should all sing together, really.

Dad knows just about everything...but he's not a "know-it-all," he is in no way, shape or form annoying. Again, I don’t day this much but, Dad is also very cool. How did I get cool parents, isn’t that an oxymoron, “cool” and “parents?” But they’re not “cool” like, “let’s let our 16 year old and all her friends get drunk at the house,” no, they are cool PARENTS, they are wonderful parents. I wish they’d write a book about it and teach some folks a thing or two. Dad is encouraging; he is my biggest fan too. He has never had a doubt of whether or not I am great at anything, basketball, music, work, anything. He’s always on my side.

Dad is also artistic and very creative, like Mom, I guess that’s why Cayce and I are so strange and artsy-fartsy. I mean, who can say that their father (who is not a contractor) built the house they grew up in? Not to mention the fact that Dad drew all the Strawberry Shortcake pictures that adorned my childhood room walls, how special. Mom and Dad may not have ever been rich, but they made sure we had it all and they are smart and talented enough to pull it off! As I said before, Dad knows just about everything, I cannot remember a time when we had to hire anyone to do anything…Dad can always fix it. It’s funny now to look back on how I thought other dads weren’t real men because they had to hire a handy man…luckily I’m like Dad and I like to fix things, and “piddle” as we say. Thinking about Dad makes me happy. He and I are so crazy close and affectionate, I am so blessed and lucky for such an amazing father, a true daddy.

I could go on for days and days about Mom and Dad, how great they are and how blessed I am to have them. It’s funny, really. God has blessed me to the fullest, I cannot think of a single trait I wish they had or didn’t have…they’re perfect to me. I love them, and I’m lucky to know what true love is, what it looks like, what it feels like…and I’ve known from day 1. It’s comforting to know that we’ll all be in heaven someday…together… and I’m SO happy that we have been blessed with so much time here on earth.

Not only could I go on for days about Mom and Dad, but I could do the same about Weston. My heart is swelling with pride right now because of all the lovely blessings I have in my life…and I haven’t even mentioned my brother, the one I’m genetically most alike.

Oh, Cayce. I could go on and on about him too. He is my brother, he is a great brother. All my life I have looked up to him, I have always been crazy about my brother, he’s always been just the absolute greatest in my eyes and I’ve always loved him so much. It’s somehow easier to find his flaws though, I think it’s because I hold him to such a standard, to a “Mom & Dad” standard because he is the closest person I have in this world, being that he is my only sibling and being that…we’re really really close. It’s funny, someone said the other day, “The only thing my sister and I have in common is our skin color,” and my honest response was, “I think that’s the only thing my brother and I don’t have in common.” I am blessed for this…I’m so blessed for this relationship.

Talk about Dad being the only person to make me smile…Cayce’s up there too! I think Weston gets jealous of my love for Cayce, because I am always on Cayce’s side and no matter how hard Weston tries to cheer me up, sometimes it takes Cayce. It’s hard for me to be sad when he’s around, not only because he won’t allow it but because he is my precious Cayce. I talk about him negatively at times because I hold him to that standard, that highest of high standards and it makes me mad when he’s not perfect. I guess I see myself in him more than anyone else so I want him to be perfect as I want to be, but it’s okay. There’s a quote on the calendar Mom bought me for Christmas that I love, it says “Excellence is the willingness to be wrong. Perfectionism is believing we are always right.”

Cayce is…hilarious…a true comic, everyone knows it. Everyone also knows how smart Cayce is, it’s like he got all the good traits from Mom and Dad…well, almost all of them, I’m afraid he may suffer from first child syndrome at times, God love him. Another thing everyone knows about  Cayce (and I say “everyone knows” to show just how true these statements are) is that he is a creative, musical genius and I’m jealous at times. I’m so proud of my brother. I love him so much. I’m so blessed to have someone to love me so much and to have someone to love so much. I am SO blessed.

So, I already feel better…I guess I’m thinking of that song Mom and I used to sing in church, “Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done.” It really helps. Daniel and his love and his soul that I felt so close to, so connected with, so in love with, is not the only blessing that I have. Daniel is one of my blessings, and I should focus on the blessings that I have today because like Daniel, they could be gone tomorrow…but not gone forever for “No one ever dies as long as there is someone to remember them and when there’s no longer anyone to remember them, everyone is together again.”

My love for Daniel was real, his love for me was real, our connection was real, the similarity that I found in his soul is one that I am blessed to have found in so many others. Daniel, I’ll see you later, my friend, for now, I will count my blessings and live in the present. I’m thankful for love, for relationships, for the many many beautiful people God has blessed me with in this world.

I have a voice to sing with, I have a mind to think with, I have a heart to love with, I have hands to work with, I have friends and family to have fun with, I have today to make memories with, I have a God to love me, to forgive me, to bless me with all that I have and I will use all that I have today to honor my God for he is the reason for all my blessings, all my love and all the love I have to give. Thank you, God, thank you Jesus. Thank you all.

"The Present is a Gift" - Daniel Helton (aka: Earlton Redbeard)

So, it is the day after we have laid my dear Daniel to rest. I cannot stop thinking about him. I don't grieve well, but I don’t know who does. I hear that anger is a normal feeling but there are so many different forms it has taken. There are very few people in this world who have the “Mia can do no wrong” mentality…and right now I can only think of a handful of people who think that about me: Daniel, Grandmother, Whitney, Emily, and Chelsea. Those are the only people I can think of who just cannot be mad at me, no matter what I do (I’m excluding my parents, brother and fiancé because they have to keep me in check, and I’m so incredibly thankful for them too and their overwhelming love for me.). Unfortunately Daniel and Grandmother are no longer here to take up for me whenever I do something stupid, but they are in heaven now and that is great. But I can’t help but be angry that God keeps taking the people on my side, on my team. But now I want to be in heaven.



I know that sounds strange but when I think of heaven, an eternal paradise, my first thought is the people that I’ll be around. People are the key to my life, I have figured that much out so far. So, when I think of people in heaven I think of who will be greeting me when I arrive…I can only think of a few people and it scares me…I want to be with MY people, I don’t want to have to make all new friends again. (Again, I realize my idea of heaven is crazy). Now I find comfort knowing that Daniel and Grandmother will be the first ones to greet me, and that’s REALLY exciting. I cannot wait to see their faces again, smiling at me, being proud of me again. This doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself or anything crazy like that, I’m not done yet, I haven’t done enough for everyone else. I really think that Daniel went home so soon because his job was over, he did it, he touched so many people with his love that it was time for him to come home. I'm not ready to go just yet, I must show more love.



I am also finding comfort with Daniel’s words himself, through his blog. 8 posts do not sound like much, but with Daniel, he only needed one to thump at your heart. Daniel said, “The Present is a Gift,” which is brilliant on so many levels, but it has helped me to live in the present, to try and cope with today and just cherish my past memories as they are memories which I have no control over, whereas today, I am in control. I feel that his blog was a way to send us a message, especially me…Daniel knew I wasn’t too keen on religion, not spirituality, I know God exists and I believe that Jesus died for my sins, but I don’t like religion I don’t like church. I know this bothered Daniel, as he tried to get me to attend every church event there was, I eventually told him, “Daniel, I love you, I love God, I love Jesus, but sweetie I’m not going to Encounter (student fellowship at Auburn) with you. I don’t get it, I’m uncomfortable there and I don’t know why.” I think it was the whole “hands in the air” thing and to have worship without a single minor note or chord in the music didn’t click with me either. Daniel accepted this and never asked me again. He got to me, though, he knew he could and he knew he would.



He invited me to go to New Orleans with the church to help clean up after Katrina. I went, of course, because that’s what I believe a church should do, and I don’t think I’ve ever had more fun. I got so close to God, it was such a happy time in my life. I thank Daniel for that. He knew how to get to me. He knew me. I am honored that he named his blog “Earlton Redbeard” because that was my nickname for him and I’m glad he posted a link on my facebook wall to his blog. I feel that he wanted me to know, he wanted us all to know the love and the happiness that he felt. He felt it because of God. We all feel love and happiness because of God; we just take too much credit sometimes.



Today is easier than yesterday, I am glad I can say that, and I thank Daniel for comforting me right now, I thank God for Daniel and for giving me such an amazing Christian friend to care about me the way he cared about me and to love me so purely. I love you, Daniel and I will see you soon, my Earlton Redbeard. Thank you, God.

Too Awake

Unfortunately this is about no dream, no nightmare, but my real life. Today I attended my friends funeral. When I say, "my friend," I mean much more than a friend. Daniel was my constant, he was my positive charge, my high harmony, God's middle man. Sure, when people die it is "so sad, and they were so great and touched so many" but seriously, Daniel did. 

I could type memories that we shared over our 20 years of friendship all day, and I could explain your personality and all your great traits for the rest of my life, but instead I am trying to do as you would want me to do and keep moving forward. This is going to be extremely hard for me because I am not as strong as you, but I will try...for you, my dear.

Daniel said that God is in everything and God is everywhere and He works through us whether we know it or not. Daniel wouldn't just say these things and be done with it, he would run with it and explain it all in depth to prove to you that it's true. He was so right. He was so right about so many things. God worked through Daniel more so than I have seen it before, Daniel is why I wanted to be baptized. I wanted to be happy and loved like Daniel because he had it all. He was smart enough to know how to witness to different people. He knew me very well, and he knew exactly how to witness to me...through actions alone...simply leading by example. 

I love you, Daniel. I don't know what you're doing right now in heaven but I know you're smiling, because I knew that when you were here. You smiled with your whole mouth and I will miss that smile so much. I'll see you later, alligator. 

Love, 

Your Sister in Christ