I’ve always thought that I wanted to die first, before I had
to endure the pain of losing my loved ones, one by one; though now that I’ve
had a bit of a “cancer scare” it has just hit me, if I go first then I have to
let all my loved ones go at once and that now seems far more tragic than my
previous concerns. This insight makes me even sadder for those who are sick and
dying…as if that was possible.
Luckily, I am perfectly fine, according to the specialist.
They will keep monitoring me every year and see if my CA-125 test results
continue to increase or not. I felt so relieved, though that is an
understatement. It’s strange that the thought of my loved ones being sad is
more sad to me than my own struggle could have been. That gives me faith in
myself at least, faith that I care more for others than I care for myself; some
would say that’s not the way to be, but I disagree, a world where everyone
cared for others more than themselves seems like a lovely place to me. That’s
the biggest reason I struggle so hard with my friends and family members who are
die-hard republicans, the Romney fans. It sickens me to think that they believe
that’s the “Christian vote” and that Obama is a demon.
Politicians are politicians, if you don’t understand their games
then you don’t get it at all. They lie, they trick, they deceive, and yet, no
one seems to notice. It’s as if folks treat political parties as sports teams,
they pick a side and stick with it no matter what all the way to the end. Their
team could be having a horrible season but yet they’ll still pull for that
team. It doesn’t make sense to me. Electing the “leader of the free world” is
not the super-bowl.
People are driven by different things, mainly their passions
and at the root of passion lies religious beliefs. A pretty brilliant, evil
trickery of politics is to feed off of people’s religion because it drives them
and they know that. That’s why ABORTION and GAY MARRIAGE and LEGAL DRUGS come
into play with politics. When a Christian sees or hears these words it triggers
something in the depth of their beliefs and they need not hear or see another
word, they’ve made their choice. They don’t consider the fact that people in
their own country are starving, homeless and dying and they truly need help.
Nope, those folks just have tough luck and I’ll just ignore that…I’m more
concerned with gay people wanting to get married. REALLY?!?!?! I seriously don’t
know how everyone doesn’t see things this way.
Okay, I could go on for DAYS and DAYS about politics, the
system is completely broken and the two party system is just plain stupid. I’ll
move along to other thoughts in my mind. Let’s see where this “ADHD” of mine
will take me.
So, how was our wedding? I can’t describe it. A day full of
overflowing love from my family and friends…it was just so much to take in and
I took it like it was my first shot on my 21st birthday. Love
consumed me that day and on my way home I cried like I’ve never cried before. I
have never before balled my eyes out due to a happy feeling and I couldn’t
stop. All my insecurities of how I feel as if no one cares about me were
round-house-kicked in the face; I’ve never felt so happy, so loved, and so full
of worth. It was indeed magic. Magic at its finest, love at its highest, it was
perfect.
Despite this, I still haven’t written my thank you cards. I’m
such a procrastinator. It’s bad. I’m so incredibly thankful for everything that
I know I’ll write the cards, just not today. I’m busy today. I’m honestly busy
this weekend. I’ll do it over the holidays. I have a year to send them out, it’ll
be okay. I’m good at convincing myself of things, if only I were as good at
convincing others. Maybe I could be, but I just don’t exude the confidence I
should or try as hard as I can.
I haven’t written a song in I don’t know how long. I’m so
behind and when folks ask me about it, the anxiety takes control and the self
loathing begins. I’m still there currently but I’m getting better, or I’ll keep
telling myself that until I am. Truth is I don’t think I’m good enough.
Everyone offers me their advice on how I should sound or what genre I should
focus on, it’s nice that they are acting like they care but it’s honestly a bit
insulting. I mean, I didn’t ask them for their opinion and it’s clear that they
think I’m doing it all wrong, but I guess they’re right, I don’t know what I’m
doing so I’ll just hang it up. But I’m not a quitter. At least I don’t think
that I’m a quitter. I will write again when the mood strikes me.
Working on my Halloween costume, it’s pretty lame this year.
Again, I’m a disappointment. I’m attempting to make a statement and I’m going
as a marionette doll in patriotic garb, thus I’m going as a politician.
Everyone I’ve told reacts as if they’re confused, why am I not used to that? It’s
yet another case of Mia being misunderstood, story of my life. Wow, I’m a pity
partier on this blog, well, it’s more of a diary than a blog. No one knows
about it, no one reads it, doesn’t matter.
I’m not a great friend, I’m not a great wife, I’m not a
great daughter, I’m not a great dog-mom, I’m not a great employee, I’m not a
great person. I get very little accomplished from day to day and that depresses
me. I get myself down. I’m my own worst enemy and I’m tired of it.
I’m very insecure, lazy and apologetic. Saying, “I’m sorry,”
has always been a problem of mine. Yes, that sounds silly but apparently I say
it so much that it’s lost its meaning and it has begun to annoy people. I guess
I feel that it erases my sense of insecurity and it makes it so that no one can
be mad at me; two of my weaknesses. I’m lazy because I guess I’m young and I
think I’ll always have tomorrow to do it. These are things I REALLY need to
work on. Perhaps I’ll make a list.
It’s almost been a year since I quit smoking cigarettes. I’m
proud of that, but still embarrassed that I ever smoked them at all. I’ve been
cutting back on drinking as well, though I’m a miserable DD. Literally, I’m
miserable when at a party sober. I’m so awkward and silent. My insecurities are
highlighted when at a party sober. I definitely don’t fit in.
I miss my grandmother. I miss Daniel. Recently a girl I went
to high school with overdosed on pills. It is sticking with me for some reason.
I think about it often and I don’t know why. I feel as if it’s such a tragedy
but a part of me doesn’t care, it is simply angry. She died doing something she
knew could kill her when Daniel and Grandmother fought for their lives as hard
as they could. It just doesn’t seem fair, I just can’t feel sorry for her. I
mean, you can go to the doctor and claim you have chronic pain and they’ll give
you pills that are not only addictive but they can easily kill you, but God
forbid that a marijuana plant grow anywhere on this earth! It’s all so stupid
and people don’t see it, they don’t get it. It’s like everyone has blinders on
by choice. What do my blinders look like?
That last sentence left me with some poetry to write;
hopefully I’ll turn it into a song at some point. So, self improvement, this is
necessary. Going forward I will work on the following:
Be more productive
Be more confident
Be more accepting of others (especially other women)
Be less apologetic
Be a harder worker
Be faithful to my God
Gossip less
Judge less
Be kind to everyone
Accept everything for what it is and do with it what you can
Accept love
Love harder
Live better.See the happiness and love that's in front of my face.
