Dream Catch-up

So I am WAY behind on these dreams of mine so I'll just give you a glimpse of a few that still stick with me:

I had a horrible nightmare about the wedding. I was dressed like a bum, the guests were not folks I invited and the venue was all sorts of crazy. The weird thing was that before Dad and I got to walk down the isle, Grandmother ran past me, grabbed my hand and pulled me to the altar. The altar was where Daniel's funeral was...so it felt bad. My Dad looked sad because he didn't get to walk me down the isle, we didn't have that moment, and then as I was gazing into Grandmother's eyes (past Weston's) she disappeared and I could tell this in her eyes...it was like when she was at Hospice...it was terrible. She had a stroke right in front of us at the altar...it was the saddest dream I've had in a while...I threw a fit and fell to my knees with tears flowing like a stream...it was terrible. The reception that followed was just me wandering around, not wanting to talk to any of my guests, and my MOH telling me how I was never doing the right thing...it was awful. I won't go into more detail.

On a separate night I had one of the best wedding dreams I could have...Daniel was there. We were in the woods and the stream was the altar but there were snakes all around. I was used to the snakes because they're in alot of my dreams, though everyone else was bothered by it so Daniel appeared, he lifted the large snake very gracefully and carefully...then he set it aside to crawl away. Then he smiled at me, and I hugged him so hard...it was so real, I felt his real body...his square, broad shoulders and his height and size were all just right, so exact...then he said, "I told you I'd be at your wedding..." I am crying right now just thinking of this dream...it meant (and still means) so much to me. I know it was the real Daniel telling me not to worry and that it will all be okay...and that he'll be there...I just know it. I'm so glad this dream happened...it's the best one I've had...ever. Now I know he'll be there.

self pity at its finest

Some days I am simply sad…I cannot quite put my finger on why and I don’t necessarily feel the need to try and be happy. Feeling sad is necessary, right? So should I let it take me over some days or should I fight? I’m too tired to fight tonight.

I think it hits me that he’s gone, one of my dearest friends…he’s gone. Not here anymore, I can’t tell him how great the Feist show was last night, I can’t ask him what I should get my groom for our wedding day…he’s not here. I thought it would help seeing his other best friends, so I got to see Smitty and his wife Becky over the weekend. It was so nice to see them; it was nice to see my old familiar friend Smitty. But it wasn’t the same and when I realized today that it was because I could sense a part of Smitty has gone…the overflowing happiness for this world has left him as it has left me…and they both left with Daniel.

I’m sure that Smitty felt the same way but when I see him I think of Daniel, so perhaps seeing me reminded him of Daniel as well…as we were all three a part of “the group,” the group that Daniel built. I guess I thought seeing him would bring me comfort but seeing how his smile had shrunk a bit made me realize how mine had done the same. I miss Daniel still and I think I always will.

In an attempt to try and cheer myself up I thought of all the support that I have still here…but that made me a bit sadder because I couldn’t help to think of the lack of support I received through this horrible time for me. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself but I guess I expect too much from some folks…especially my brother. I love my brother so much and feel that we are more similar than anyone else and I feel that he really gets me but he doesn’t and that hurts too, but it’s okay. I guess I just wish he would care more, or show that he cares more. During this time I was seriously depressed…still am…and he didn’t visit me, call me, even text me…I’m lucky if he ever texts back. If I don’t see him for weeks, I know that it’s only because I haven’t been to his house or his side of town…which makes me sad.

I’m aware that my sadness is not my brother’s fault at all but I do crave his comfort, always have, but he’s just not the type to comfort. I should accept it and move on.

My fiancé is wonderful but I believe he has a hard time dealing with me when I’m sad…that’s understandable. I feel that when I’m depressed or sad, I am avoided. I’m not sure why, perhaps there’s nothing to say to me during my sad moments but a little attention would help. Weston helps, he holds me when I cry, and that’s comforting.

I believe I should shift my focus on comfort back to God…but it’s hard because I feel like that scares my friends away even more when I become even more spiritual…then I feel lonely.

I also feel that my argumentative ways have rubbed off on my sweet fiancé because now he is the one who craves the fight and I hate that…what have I done? I’m trying so hard to be better, trying to truly “cherish” what we have together but I don’t feel like he is trying…I don’t know.

My music isn’t any good. Granted, I haven’t tried hard enough and I know that…but I hate setting myself up for failure…I know that’s so weak but I let my fears control me too much…I should try harder so then I don’t let myself down. We tried really hard to win this year in the Corporate Band Finals and I felt we did a great job but we lost…again…third time is the charm I guess because I burst into tears as soon as my car door shut behind me. Yes, I felt like such a sissy but I couldn’t help it, disappointment has been following me like a loyal pet and I need to desperately put it down.

Work, oh man...I, like everyone else in the world, feel as if I do more than everyone in the office and they’re constantly giving me new tasks every day. I don’t get it. They’re all sweet to me one moment, and then the next moment it’s like they’re accusing me of not doing anything…it takes so much for me to not explode. I fear that I’ll be fired one of these days for just that. I’ll just keep working, keep my mouth shut and do my manager’s work while she’s off shopping for hours at a time…whatever. I need to not get so angry about things I cannot control; I just find it hard to believe that I cannot control these things.

Wedding planning is finally dwindling down…thank God. Everything is on me, everyone is asking me about stuff I don’t know the answers to, yet I feel as if no one is actually helping me. All Mom has been focusing on for the last 5 months is one chandelier and three panels of curtains…since that’s the most important and only thing going on right now…so I know it’s really all on me because she cannot seem to think of all the other things to think about. My lovely MOH has been MIA and my Man of Honor is my brother, and if my fiancé does anything at all, even the slightest thing, he thinks that he’s done it all and he turns into more of a groomzilla than I do. So I’ll be glad when it’s all over to say the very least...again, I know I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

I got to see Feist last night. That was amazing. Weston got me tickets for the show for Valentine’s Day, so we called it “Valentine’s May” last night…though it did not feel like that really. Weston had a long day at work and paid no attention to me at all, when I tried to smile at him, kiss him, take photos of us, he acted as if I was just pissing him off. Have I turned him into an ass hole? Have I taken a sweet man who I usually wouldn’t go for, and turned him into the ass holes that I always date, or am I boring, unattractive, no fun to be with, not special? I didn’t feel very special at all. I guess his mom buying us some tickets to see one of my favorite artists at my favorite venue should have been enough…his effort was no longer needed. The show made me think of Daniel. How he would have SO wanted to be there…he may have even been there…and how I miss him. Daniel and I listened to Feist together, played her songs, etc…we went to shows together (never a Feist show) but I couldn’t help thinking of him. I even cried during a couple songs, especially “Graveyard,” but no one noticed.

I feel like I get on everyone’s nerves, I piss everyone off all the time and I truly don’t know why. Is it the bride thing? Is it just me? Am I not fun anymore? Do I matter to anyone in this town still? Sure, I’m probably being dramatic, but I feel like no one cares anymore…friends don’t really call me or text me anymore, Weston seems sick of me and my brother hardly replies to my texts, messages, wall posts, etc…he even felt it necessary to make fun of my facebook usage…thanks, I needed that…if they only knew all that I held back, how I REALLY felt about things.

I just want to get my recording gear set up so I can start playing around on that, I feel like that will bring me comfort, or perhaps it will just bring me more things to remind me of how special I’m not. I know that no one will read this, that’s why I can pour my heart out on here…but that’s pretty depressing and pathetic too, but today that’s me…depressing and pathetic…no wonder no one wants to hang out with me anymore, I’m just too damn fun. Ha!

The sun is shining, my dog is wonderful, both my parents are alive and well…I miss them. Maybe they just love me too much and I’m never going to get that again from anyone else so I should just accept the lukewarm love I feel from others and try and be content with my blessed life that I’m so ungrateful for…

Today I am not happy with the me that I am and I will continue to work to become less argumentative, more forgiving, more understanding, less self absorbed and more productive. I would rather be closer to the God that loves me, created me and carries me through this life than the friends who are freaked out my appreciation for my creator. That’s always the solution but it takes me awhile to come around, because I’m so very flawed.

If you did happen to read this for some reason, I’m sorry I’m such a downer, I’m okay, I’m just very sad today. I hope you are having a happy day and that you do not feel sorry for me…I’m very blessed and I know that, but sometimes I am just really sad and today is one of those days. I hope you understand.