From Sharks to Dolphins

*Dream*

We were walking on a beaten path alongside a body of water. There were trees all around us, tall trees. The water was to my left and there were very tall, slim trees to my right with tiny busy tops. Our guide was an African man, he was bald and confident. Weston was behind me. Our guide motioned to the top of the trees to the right, and in the top of the tree was a nest and all I could see was a large beak peeking through a mass of feathers ruffling everywhere; he then said, “Watch this,” and motioned to the bird in its nest while making an odd, loud, screeching noise, the bird followed with an even louder squeal. Our guide then motioned towards the water, and I spun around quickly to find two fins simultaneously reach the surface of the water, parallel to one another, swimming towards the shore. SHARKS-My first thought.

Startled, confused and shocked, I turned smiling to Weston and the guide and said, “If you push me in I will kick your ass.” Before I knew it, Weston had hurled me in the water. Upon impact, the fish had turned to dolphins and the dark, murky water became a safe, contained aquarium. As soon as my head reached the surface, I awoke. 

Still confused. 

The Ramblings of a Self Critic

I’ve always thought that I wanted to die first, before I had to endure the pain of losing my loved ones, one by one; though now that I’ve had a bit of a “cancer scare” it has just hit me, if I go first then I have to let all my loved ones go at once and that now seems far more tragic than my previous concerns. This insight makes me even sadder for those who are sick and dying…as if that was possible.

Luckily, I am perfectly fine, according to the specialist. They will keep monitoring me every year and see if my CA-125 test results continue to increase or not. I felt so relieved, though that is an understatement. It’s strange that the thought of my loved ones being sad is more sad to me than my own struggle could have been. That gives me faith in myself at least, faith that I care more for others than I care for myself; some would say that’s not the way to be, but I disagree, a world where everyone cared for others more than themselves seems like a lovely place to me. That’s the biggest reason I struggle so hard with my friends and family members who are die-hard republicans, the Romney fans. It sickens me to think that they believe that’s the “Christian vote” and that Obama is a demon.

Politicians are politicians, if you don’t understand their games then you don’t get it at all. They lie, they trick, they deceive, and yet, no one seems to notice. It’s as if folks treat political parties as sports teams, they pick a side and stick with it no matter what all the way to the end. Their team could be having a horrible season but yet they’ll still pull for that team. It doesn’t make sense to me. Electing the “leader of the free world” is not the super-bowl.

People are driven by different things, mainly their passions and at the root of passion lies religious beliefs. A pretty brilliant, evil trickery of politics is to feed off of people’s religion because it drives them and they know that. That’s why ABORTION and GAY MARRIAGE and LEGAL DRUGS come into play with politics. When a Christian sees or hears these words it triggers something in the depth of their beliefs and they need not hear or see another word, they’ve made their choice. They don’t consider the fact that people in their own country are starving, homeless and dying and they truly need help. Nope, those folks just have tough luck and I’ll just ignore that…I’m more concerned with gay people wanting to get married. REALLY?!?!?! I seriously don’t know how everyone doesn’t see things this way.

Okay, I could go on for DAYS and DAYS about politics, the system is completely broken and the two party system is just plain stupid. I’ll move along to other thoughts in my mind. Let’s see where this “ADHD” of mine will take me.

So, how was our wedding? I can’t describe it. A day full of overflowing love from my family and friends…it was just so much to take in and I took it like it was my first shot on my 21^st birthday. Love consumed me that day and on my way home I cried like I’ve never cried before. I have never before balled my eyes out due to a happy feeling and I couldn’t stop. All my insecurities of how I feel as if no one cares about me were round-house-kicked in the face; I’ve never felt so happy, so loved, and so full of worth. It was indeed magic. Magic at its finest, love at its highest, it was perfect.

Despite this, I still haven’t written my thank you cards. I’m such a procrastinator. It’s bad. I’m so incredibly thankful for everything that I know I’ll write the cards, just not today. I’m busy today. I’m honestly busy this weekend. I’ll do it over the holidays. I have a year to send them out, it’ll be okay. I’m good at convincing myself of things, if only I were as good at convincing others. Maybe I could be, but I just don’t exude the confidence I should or try as hard as I can.

I haven’t written a song in I don’t know how long. I’m so behind and when folks ask me about it, the anxiety takes control and the self loathing begins. I’m still there currently but I’m getting better, or I’ll keep telling myself that until I am. Truth is I don’t think I’m good enough. Everyone offers me their advice on how I should sound or what genre I should focus on, it’s nice that they are acting like they care but it’s honestly a bit insulting. I mean, I didn’t ask them for their opinion and it’s clear that they think I’m doing it all wrong, but I guess they’re right, I don’t know what I’m doing so I’ll just hang it up. But I’m not a quitter. At least I don’t think that I’m a quitter. I will write again when the mood strikes me.

Working on my Halloween costume, it’s pretty lame this year. Again, I’m a disappointment. I’m attempting to make a statement and I’m going as a marionette doll in patriotic garb, thus I’m going as a politician. Everyone I’ve told reacts as if they’re confused, why am I not used to that? It’s yet another case of Mia being misunderstood, story of my life. Wow, I’m a pity partier on this blog, well, it’s more of a diary than a blog. No one knows about it, no one reads it, doesn’t matter.

I’m not a great friend, I’m not a great wife, I’m not a great daughter, I’m not a great dog-mom, I’m not a great employee, I’m not a great person. I get very little accomplished from day to day and that depresses me. I get myself down. I’m my own worst enemy and I’m tired of it.

I’m very insecure, lazy and apologetic. Saying, “I’m sorry,” has always been a problem of mine. Yes, that sounds silly but apparently I say it so much that it’s lost its meaning and it has begun to annoy people. I guess I feel that it erases my sense of insecurity and it makes it so that no one can be mad at me; two of my weaknesses. I’m lazy because I guess I’m young and I think I’ll always have tomorrow to do it. These are things I REALLY need to work on. Perhaps I’ll make a list.

It’s almost been a year since I quit smoking cigarettes. I’m proud of that, but still embarrassed that I ever smoked them at all. I’ve been cutting back on drinking as well, though I’m a miserable DD. Literally, I’m miserable when at a party sober. I’m so awkward and silent. My insecurities are highlighted when at a party sober. I definitely don’t fit in.

I miss my grandmother. I miss Daniel. Recently a girl I went to high school with overdosed on pills. It is sticking with me for some reason. I think about it often and I don’t know why. I feel as if it’s such a tragedy but a part of me doesn’t care, it is simply angry. She died doing something she knew could kill her when Daniel and Grandmother fought for their lives as hard as they could. It just doesn’t seem fair, I just can’t feel sorry for her. I mean, you can go to the doctor and claim you have chronic pain and they’ll give you pills that are not only addictive but they can easily kill you, but God forbid that a marijuana plant grow anywhere on this earth! It’s all so stupid and people don’t see it, they don’t get it. It’s like everyone has blinders on by choice. What do my blinders look like?

That last sentence left me with some poetry to write; hopefully I’ll turn it into a song at some point. So, self improvement, this is necessary. Going forward I will work on the following:

Be more productive

Be more confident

Be more accepting of others (especially other women)

Be less apologetic

Be a harder worker

Be faithful to my God

Gossip less

Judge less

Be kind to everyone

Accept everything for what it is and do with it what you can

Accept love

Love harder

Live better.See the happiness and love that's in front of my face. 

Dream Catch-up

So I am WAY behind on these dreams of mine so I'll just give you a glimpse of a few that still stick with me:

I had a horrible nightmare about the wedding. I was dressed like a bum, the guests were not folks I invited and the venue was all sorts of crazy. The weird thing was that before Dad and I got to walk down the isle, Grandmother ran past me, grabbed my hand and pulled me to the altar. The altar was where Daniel's funeral was...so it felt bad. My Dad looked sad because he didn't get to walk me down the isle, we didn't have that moment, and then as I was gazing into Grandmother's eyes (past Weston's) she disappeared and I could tell this in her eyes...it was like when she was at Hospice...it was terrible. She had a stroke right in front of us at the altar...it was the saddest dream I've had in a while...I threw a fit and fell to my knees with tears flowing like a stream...it was terrible. The reception that followed was just me wandering around, not wanting to talk to any of my guests, and my MOH telling me how I was never doing the right thing...it was awful. I won't go into more detail.

On a separate night I had one of the best wedding dreams I could have...Daniel was there. We were in the woods and the stream was the altar but there were snakes all around. I was used to the snakes because they're in alot of my dreams, though everyone else was bothered by it so Daniel appeared, he lifted the large snake very gracefully and carefully...then he set it aside to crawl away. Then he smiled at me, and I hugged him so hard...it was so real, I felt his real body...his square, broad shoulders and his height and size were all just right, so exact...then he said, "I told you I'd be at your wedding..." I am crying right now just thinking of this dream...it meant (and still means) so much to me. I know it was the real Daniel telling me not to worry and that it will all be okay...and that he'll be there...I just know it. I'm so glad this dream happened...it's the best one I've had...ever. Now I know he'll be there.

self pity at its finest

Some days I am simply sad…I cannot quite put my finger on why and I don’t necessarily feel the need to try and be happy. Feeling sad is necessary, right? So should I let it take me over some days or should I fight? I’m too tired to fight tonight.

I think it hits me that he’s gone, one of my dearest friends…he’s gone. Not here anymore, I can’t tell him how great the Feist show was last night, I can’t ask him what I should get my groom for our wedding day…he’s not here. I thought it would help seeing his other best friends, so I got to see Smitty and his wife Becky over the weekend. It was so nice to see them; it was nice to see my old familiar friend Smitty. But it wasn’t the same and when I realized today that it was because I could sense a part of Smitty has gone…the overflowing happiness for this world has left him as it has left me…and they both left with Daniel.

I’m sure that Smitty felt the same way but when I see him I think of Daniel, so perhaps seeing me reminded him of Daniel as well…as we were all three a part of “the group,” the group that Daniel built. I guess I thought seeing him would bring me comfort but seeing how his smile had shrunk a bit made me realize how mine had done the same. I miss Daniel still and I think I always will.

In an attempt to try and cheer myself up I thought of all the support that I have still here…but that made me a bit sadder because I couldn’t help to think of the lack of support I received through this horrible time for me. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself but I guess I expect too much from some folks…especially my brother. I love my brother so much and feel that we are more similar than anyone else and I feel that he really gets me but he doesn’t and that hurts too, but it’s okay. I guess I just wish he would care more, or show that he cares more. During this time I was seriously depressed…still am…and he didn’t visit me, call me, even text me…I’m lucky if he ever texts back. If I don’t see him for weeks, I know that it’s only because I haven’t been to his house or his side of town…which makes me sad.

I’m aware that my sadness is not my brother’s fault at all but I do crave his comfort, always have, but he’s just not the type to comfort. I should accept it and move on.

My fiancé is wonderful but I believe he has a hard time dealing with me when I’m sad…that’s understandable. I feel that when I’m depressed or sad, I am avoided. I’m not sure why, perhaps there’s nothing to say to me during my sad moments but a little attention would help. Weston helps, he holds me when I cry, and that’s comforting.

I believe I should shift my focus on comfort back to God…but it’s hard because I feel like that scares my friends away even more when I become even more spiritual…then I feel lonely.

I also feel that my argumentative ways have rubbed off on my sweet fiancé because now he is the one who craves the fight and I hate that…what have I done? I’m trying so hard to be better, trying to truly “cherish” what we have together but I don’t feel like he is trying…I don’t know.

My music isn’t any good. Granted, I haven’t tried hard enough and I know that…but I hate setting myself up for failure…I know that’s so weak but I let my fears control me too much…I should try harder so then I don’t let myself down. We tried really hard to win this year in the Corporate Band Finals and I felt we did a great job but we lost…again…third time is the charm I guess because I burst into tears as soon as my car door shut behind me. Yes, I felt like such a sissy but I couldn’t help it, disappointment has been following me like a loyal pet and I need to desperately put it down.

Work, oh man...I, like everyone else in the world, feel as if I do more than everyone in the office and they’re constantly giving me new tasks every day. I don’t get it. They’re all sweet to me one moment, and then the next moment it’s like they’re accusing me of not doing anything…it takes so much for me to not explode. I fear that I’ll be fired one of these days for just that. I’ll just keep working, keep my mouth shut and do my manager’s work while she’s off shopping for hours at a time…whatever. I need to not get so angry about things I cannot control; I just find it hard to believe that I cannot control these things.

Wedding planning is finally dwindling down…thank God. Everything is on me, everyone is asking me about stuff I don’t know the answers to, yet I feel as if no one is actually helping me. All Mom has been focusing on for the last 5 months is one chandelier and three panels of curtains…since that’s the most important and only thing going on right now…so I know it’s really all on me because she cannot seem to think of all the other things to think about. My lovely MOH has been MIA and my Man of Honor is my brother, and if my fiancé does anything at all, even the slightest thing, he thinks that he’s done it all and he turns into more of a groomzilla than I do. So I’ll be glad when it’s all over to say the very least...again, I know I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

I got to see Feist last night. That was amazing. Weston got me tickets for the show for Valentine’s Day, so we called it “Valentine’s May” last night…though it did not feel like that really. Weston had a long day at work and paid no attention to me at all, when I tried to smile at him, kiss him, take photos of us, he acted as if I was just pissing him off. Have I turned him into an ass hole? Have I taken a sweet man who I usually wouldn’t go for, and turned him into the ass holes that I always date, or am I boring, unattractive, no fun to be with, not special? I didn’t feel very special at all. I guess his mom buying us some tickets to see one of my favorite artists at my favorite venue should have been enough…his effort was no longer needed. The show made me think of Daniel. How he would have SO wanted to be there…he may have even been there…and how I miss him. Daniel and I listened to Feist together, played her songs, etc…we went to shows together (never a Feist show) but I couldn’t help thinking of him. I even cried during a couple songs, especially “Graveyard,” but no one noticed.

I feel like I get on everyone’s nerves, I piss everyone off all the time and I truly don’t know why. Is it the bride thing? Is it just me? Am I not fun anymore? Do I matter to anyone in this town still? Sure, I’m probably being dramatic, but I feel like no one cares anymore…friends don’t really call me or text me anymore, Weston seems sick of me and my brother hardly replies to my texts, messages, wall posts, etc…he even felt it necessary to make fun of my facebook usage…thanks, I needed that…if they only knew all that I held back, how I REALLY felt about things.

I just want to get my recording gear set up so I can start playing around on that, I feel like that will bring me comfort, or perhaps it will just bring me more things to remind me of how special I’m not. I know that no one will read this, that’s why I can pour my heart out on here…but that’s pretty depressing and pathetic too, but today that’s me…depressing and pathetic…no wonder no one wants to hang out with me anymore, I’m just too damn fun. Ha!

The sun is shining, my dog is wonderful, both my parents are alive and well…I miss them. Maybe they just love me too much and I’m never going to get that again from anyone else so I should just accept the lukewarm love I feel from others and try and be content with my blessed life that I’m so ungrateful for…

Today I am not happy with the me that I am and I will continue to work to become less argumentative, more forgiving, more understanding, less self absorbed and more productive. I would rather be closer to the God that loves me, created me and carries me through this life than the friends who are freaked out my appreciation for my creator. That’s always the solution but it takes me awhile to come around, because I’m so very flawed.

If you did happen to read this for some reason, I’m sorry I’m such a downer, I’m okay, I’m just very sad today. I hope you are having a happy day and that you do not feel sorry for me…I’m very blessed and I know that, but sometimes I am just really sad and today is one of those days. I hope you understand. 

Religious Terrorism

Dear Politicians – Please stop hijacking religion. It is pathetic and you know who it targets and you know that it works, and for that, you are evil. Spread love and God’s word for the right reasons…not just to get a vote, you vile creatures!!!!!

I feel that I am strong in my religion, in my beliefs and in saying this I can also say that this country does not need to focus on social issues right now that concern religious beliefs, I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. EVERYONE should know that abortion, birth control, legalization of marijuana, etc. are not the most important issues at the moment when it comes to your vote for the US President…turn off Fox News, turn off CNN, and READ something!!!

 This hurts my heart for so many reasons.

Aging

Some say that aging is a privilege. I am going to try and watch this privilege as long as I can. So, here is a photo of me, my fiance Weston and my brother Cayce in 2011...no smiles, just faces...not very flattering...but I like the idea of seeing us year after year...

Being Cool < Being Sincere

I don’t understand why people get so embarrassed by their sincere emotions; I’m talking about the good emotions that cannot harm another person but might just warm their heart and make their day. Why is it that some folks hold back how they really feel about someone when it is a positive feeling? Why is it easier for most people to tell someone that they do not like them than it is to tell someone they love them? If I held back these emotions I think I might burst and I would have never had the chance to tell my friend Daniel how much I loved him, over and over we told each other that we love one another and I’m so happy for that.  

Call it what you will, “being a dork,” “being a sappy sissy”, whatever, I don’t care because I would rather live as a sappy, dorky, sissy who was able to tell one of their favorite friends, “ I love you so much, thank you for honestly being the best friend I’ve ever had!” Now that friend of mine is gone to a better place and I’m left here…sad…really sad…missing him…but at least I know that he knew I loved him and I thought the world of him. Luckily, Daniel wasn’t ashamed to tell me he loved me too and I can smile and be proud knowing that he loved me too.  

So the next time you think you’re “too cool” to “like” someone’s facebook status…that it might “weird them out” because you haven’t talked to them in years or that if you comment on their photo you might “not look cool” because you care about someone else…get over yourself. You’re never too cool for love. You’re going to die one day, that’s a definite fact, do you want to be known as that “really cool person” or do you want to be known as “the one who showed love to everyone and who truly lived as they wanted to and never worried about being cool?” The older I get, the more I don’t understand “cool.” Who defines that anyway?  

“Cool” is such a vague term and it means something different to everyone. “Love” is not so vague and is something easy to define and to feel and to be. So wouldn’t you rather be loving than be cool? If you’d rather be cool, then I’m sorry.  

If I’m not being clear enough, try this logic on for size: 

Smile > Frown

Being Cool < Being Sincere

Love > Everything

God = Love 

Show love because it’s way more important than cool. Cool dies with your body on this earth but love lives forever. It’s like a seed you plant inside people, and it never dies, it just keeps growing even after you're gone. Cool is often pretentious and not loving at all, it is selfish and that is the absolute opposite of love. So again, show love, as that’s God’s greatest gift to us. If you’re just too wrapped up in being cool, then think about this, I bet God thinks that love is cool…so be cool and love those around you…plant a cool love seed for God inside those around you.